What. Am. I. Doing.
What. Are. YOU. doing?
A few years ago I was sleeping on a mattress in my brothers' room - because I was in between switching rooms in the house - so my old/current room was a shit hole and the room I was due to move in to was covered in Newspaper. At the time my mum and siblings were living in Brunei and my dad doesn't mind about things like that, so I was free to be a hobo in my own home.
I started to write a book detailing the life of a recently graduated girl who was in the middle of a shit internship and had grand GRAND ideas of doing more. I got up to the part where she quit her internship with the intention of inventing some new form of social media, before she had a quarter life crisis. And died.
Slightly dramatic, I started writing it while I was in my final year of university so it's funny how I’ve indirectly predicted my current situation. Before I get the positivity brigade swinging from my balls let I n I vent.
I don't know if you've noticed but every fucking person is the next big thing? Everyone's horizon is bright. If you don't have that frame of mind then get a twitter, you'll log on and at any given time someone is making #bigmovements someone just had an AMAZING MEETING, someone has just "created magic" with someone in the studio. Another is telling the year 2012 to get ready to bite the pillows because it is THEIR time. Anyway.
I don't know if I’m just surrounded by soaring Eagles, which would be good - or if everyone is just a delusional clipped wing chicken. But it's getting harder to tell the difference.
It is... 11 in the night and I had the idea to hassle all the places I have done work experience to see if they have any vacancies. I went through my CV to get names and started to think A) I NEED MOAR! B) What is the FUCKING point?? How many other people are trying to get the same shit right now, what do I have to offer that is any different? And what's to say I’m any good ANYWAY.
I love writing so much, I love reading, I love paper, I love notebooks, I will caress some stationary until I get the paper cuts, but if I had followed through with my Psychology degree would I be in a different situation right now?
All of us are getting told the moon in the 4th dimension is our limit; I am having a crisis of faith.
I have friends who are saving up for mortgages and awaiting kids and marriage, while I do internships with recently graduated NeWbZ. On the flipside what's the point in a mortgage? It is not even a decent investment anymore, but we're all so intent on carrying on in the same way our parents did, even though everything about the economy they grew up in has changed compared to what we now have.
The more I apply to jobs that I could do with my eyes closed, and the more I get replies that favor a fancy long winded fart (equipped with treble clef and bass), combined with the more FREQUENT reply I get from fancy long winded farts' COUSIN: Tumbleweed.
I just start to think (you have to really).
I am clearly inside something and what's more I don't think I am the only one inside of it. I'm 23 trying so hard to fit the mould that is expected of me, but these bitches don't want me.
I'm starting to view my coveted job working for a magazine as a pair of handcuffs. These handcuffs will connect me to a train calling at all stations to death via mortgage, husband, big litre car and keedz.
THEN I THINK OF ground-breaking things that have happened before me and I don't feel like they could possibly have been on the same route as me and have created that shit. I think a lot of us are living like clipped wing chickens, meanwhile being fed an image back of ourselves to validate our lifestyles to make us feel like eagles.
I met up with a friend for drinks last week who told me Leonardo di Vinci conceptualised a helicopter and a computer and so much more at a time when those things would be unfathomable. Underneath one of his many ideas he apparently wrote something along the lines of "For this to work a hard type of material will need to have been invented" and he was describing plastic, how many years before we even had it. I'm not saying we're all Leonardo di Vinci's but even if we all do have that potential, living the way we are right now we cannot even be half way to being anything like that. His thought processes must have been mind -blowing and here I am waiting for my handcuffs so I can begin my zombie walk through life. The zombie walk probably isn’t even that unenjoyable.
But while the zombie walk is not being handed to me on a platter as it was for previous generations, I feel like I should take the opportunity to do an unbeaten path. That's probably a flaw in itself because the world is not made to be Leonardo di Vinci anymore. More like Katie Price.
I'm just letting my Debbie downer breathe tonight.
What. Am. I. Doing. What. Are. YOU. doing? A few years ago I was sleeping on a mattress in my brothers' room - because I was...
