I went to TGI Fridays with two of my most laughter inducing com pan yons. The idea was to go and see a film (either The Pact, or The Dictator) and have a huge fuck off burger as well.  All was going absolutely swell until we died on the way in.

That actually didn't happen in the end, but we walked into TGI's and no one sat us down or gave us menus and then we were ignored for a few minutes, so we thought maybe we died while I was driving us to the o2 because that's how highly my friends think of my car skills. Anyway we managed to flag down a waiter and he saw us so then we realised that we were alive or he was also dead.

When it came to ordering time I decided on a Classic American burger with cheese and Mayo and the guy said "Any sides? Coleslaw?" remember that sentence because that was the beginning of my downfall, I asked how much it cost "1.99" can't go wrong really is what I thought, but sometimes not everything you think is correct because you can go wrong, actually. After we ordered we continued with our night of 'A guud forn"... and then the food arrived. "Burger with no Mayo" WHUTT? I told her I asked for Mayo and she said she'd bring me some on the side, whatevs I thought and just bring my coleslaw now.

Now. When the coleslaw arrived immediately I was not impressed, i'm not a connoisseur of coleslaw or anything but in all of my 23 years i've never seen one that looked like that. I took my fork and scraped through it and it was doing that thing where it was sticking together there were strings and I know thats the first sign of things not being alright also the smell was a bit off but I still foolishly went and put that in my mouth... Every now and again I have to congratumalate my body, I just think it does a lot and it doesn't get any awards but it still does it's job and without any major hiccups so far. As sooon as that food touched my tongue it rejected it and it had to be spat out and not even in the polite pinky out way. I HATE THAT SHIT, I HATE GONE OFF FOOD AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT AND PAY TO BE GIVEN MAGGOT FOOD???? It's only now that I think on it I wish I had scrapped my whole dinner but at the time I found the whole shit hilarious. I asked for it to be taken away because its gone off.

Next thing this lady who I'm assuming was the manager bustles over talking about they use a lime sauce and its an acquired taste that sometimes causes the coleslaw to curdle or some shit, I mostly wasn't listening because I couldn't believe she was lying so hardcore like that, maybe she thought I was going to  take them to court, I was mostly shocked that that's what they're doing up in TGI's plus the running commentary from my table was too much. It was only once she said that lime (LIME) was an acquired taste that everyone decided she was a witch, as one of my friends said: "Everything at TGI's is not an acquired taste it is a burger and chips place, so of all the things you decided to get fancy with you chose £1.99 COLESLAW? You're a liar" one pound ninety nine 'fancy' coleslaw. Wench, OLIVES are an acquired taste, LIMES are not. She said she would eat it in front of me and I said go ahead but that needs to be taken off of my bill.

After that I went off everything. I didn't eat my burger and only a few of my chips, so who is the true mug? Because I still ended up giving TGI my hard earned cash monies.

I felt I had to write because I thought I was over it but now my body doesn't trust me to make any more digestion decisions so it's decided it doesn't want to eat anymore. I'm hungry but nauseous, I thought i'd get a bacon butteh this morning and could not eat it without pulling it apart and eating each bit on its own. I was on tumblr just now perusing some hot asssssss burgers and instead of making my mouth water I felt sick to my stomach. I'm also feeling like I don't want to eat from anyone aside from Family and friends houses and today I don't think I want to eat anything unless I made it with my own hands.

..If TGI has gotten in the way of my life long goal for obesity they're going to pay.